I would love to completely lose my mind right now

I know, I never post anything happy on here. Sorry I have a lot of stress. Today was one of those days. Things are going good in my marriage, I'm probably getting A's again after my finals are over. I'm taking a break from school because I really need to.
Today I got a notice from the state of ohio saying the state of WV bureau of child support is taking ALL of our tax money. Yeah there are some of you that are going to say it's my own damn fault because I can't budget in the money every month. It's near impossible to between bills and rent and food to be able to afford to do much of anything. I don't know how many times I've explained my situation to any of you and why Neoma lives in WV with her dad but it's bullshit and do you know what he's going to do with that money? He's going to take it and spend it on pawn items, beer and pot. Yeah that's right, not Neoma, shit for him and when he gets the bulk of the tax money he is going to try to take my daughter to NC to move in with his psycho ex girlfriend from like 9 years ago who has had him thrown in jail over night for domestic violence here in Ohio, he in turn faked that she beat him up and had her thrown in jail for the night for the same thing. These people are toxic together. Anyway, my situation is that he had a heroine problem, yes that's right HE had the problem, I don't do drugs. He decided to put himself in rehab and it was going to take a few days before they could admit him and he went into withdrawal and was hospitalized. The hospital called his nut job of a mom and she came up and took him and took my daughter promising to have her back at the end of the summer for school, then proceeded to call me and say that they enrolled her in school in wv and she wasn't going to be returned because I was a bad mother because she never had a sheet on her bed. I don't know about any of you but when a kid kicks their sheets off their bed every night you tend to want to just leave the sheet where they kicked it off and if they want it they'll take it. So I was manipulated the shit out of to feel like I deserved to just leave her with them even though he's a freaking junkie and doesn't like to work. Everyday I regret that I didn't file kidnapping charges. They took her without any custody agreement or consent at all. They keep her from me when ever they don't feel like letting her see me. HE was on welfare because again he doesn't like to work so the dept of welfare went after me for child support and I called to see if I could reschedule my court date because I didn't have a car to get to wv they said no. He DIDNT even show up to this hearing I couldn't make it to and they awarded him custody of her because he had physical custody of her. They didn't reduce or even find out what my income was which I had NO income when this case happened and so I owe like 5k in child support. So they're taking our taxes. To give to him for child support that he doesn't deserve. His great aunt has been housing them and he feeds them with food stamps, works a crappy little job at a rest area and spends his paychecks on pot, pills, beer and stuff he has in a pawn shop that he put there to get money for pot, pills and beer. Everything I have I give to my kids. Everything Rex makes goes toward giving them a better life, clothes and food. I spend hundreds of dollars every time Neoma is here on clothes and things for her but that never gets credited toward the child support I owe. So tell me why my husband busts his ass and when we file our taxes with our tax credits for our kids it goes straight to some asshole who isn't going to spend it on my daughter? Plus he gets to go and file his taxes and claim her and get that as well. Do I get to do anything special for my boys? No. He said the last time I talked to him that he'd return half of it to me but anyone who knows him will tell you, this includes his great aunt, that he's a liar and it'll be gone as soon as it gets to him. Thanks for listening to my rant.

The dark places

I am in such a dark place right now, this doesn't include the fact that I'm sitting alone in my dark living room. You know that space where you aren't quite asleep and aren't really awake, well living in that space was some memories that I didn't really want to think about. Memories that should have stayed buried far back in my mind. We all know that mentally I'm not quite right and there are so many reasons behind that so many unimaginable terrible reasons behind that. I'm not one to bare my whole soul to anyone much less blog about it but it just seems like maybe this is the only way to get it out of my head this evening so maybe I can get some rest. I started thinking about how messed up I was as a teenager and then realized that it's really strange that no one got me the "help" that I needed. I was abused pretty severely as a child. Not in the broken bones " oh she must have fallen off her bike" way that always seems so common when you read about abused children but in the manner that I was verbally abused day in and day out from age 6 or so on up. I was hit with coat hangers if things didn't go the way my moms current boyfriend wanted. The welts on my back were enough to have the cops called at school but not enough to do anything about it. I was hit, I watched my mother get hit and called things like "cunt" and "whore" I once saw her get her nose broken. I can't begin to tell you the countless times that we (my sister, mother and I) had to hide in a locked bathroom hoping that her boyfriend would leave the room or even the apartment long enough to get the phone from the bedroom or living room depending on which bathroom we had locked ourselves into. Legs pushed against the counter so he couldn't break down the door and get to us. The tons of times the cops were called and again would do nothing but say things like " a mans home is his castle, we can only keep him over night" The countless times I felt my heart drop as I knew he was going to come home and pretend that he was sorry and everything would be ok only to have him spin off in a rage two nights later. It amazes me how co dependent my mom really was and how often she soaked herself in alcohol just to numb herself from what was going on and how much pain and abuse she had taken and how she did so little to protect her kids from those kinds of horrors. I can tell you about the time that we were moving and her current boyfriend at the time was drunk and high and made about something and threw the bunk beds off the deck of our second story apartment only to watch them shatter to pieces on the ground and turn around and come after my mom who I though for once was going to take a stand as she picked up a ratchet handle and hit him her hardest on his head which only made him even more mad as he turned around and grabbed my by the throat and wiped the blood coming from his head on my face and the wall behind me. How when I finally had the nerve to tell her that I had been sexually abused when I was 13 she called me a liar and how sure I am that there was earlier abuse, sexual abuse because of thinking about my behavior as a child. How far into denial my mom was and I think still is even though she doesn't soak herself in alcohol to pretend it didn't' happen. She used to get wasted and tell us she was an asshole and you know what, I've never really sat and thought about it I always felt the need to tell her she was wrong and she was a good mom and I know it sounds funny that this is all coming out of me now but I've always told myself it was in the past and should stay there and not touch me ever again. I guess I was wrong. I am so troubled by the fact that there was no talk of having my sister and I go see a therapist or a child psychologist so that we could deal with almost 10 years of abuse. I always took it stride and told people that no matter what happened it was behind me and I survived and that's what mattered. I'm starting to wonder who I would be right now if I had been offered some sort of help instead of being blown off and made to feel like a freak because I couldn't fit into "normal" like my mom wanted me to. You would have thought that the abuse would have ended when my grandparent and aunt and uncle stepped in and made my mom move us back to catalina away from the abusive boyfriends. It didn't , it was just a new chapter of abuse. She would get drunk probably from trying to not deal with the earlier years and would tell me I was a freak and an idiot and why couldn't I just fit in. She'd call me a slut or whatever else she could think of and then draw me back in by saying she was a bad parent wanting to hear from me that she wasn't and everything was ok. The yelling and the drinking was unbearable sometimes. Other times it just made it easy to sneak out and escape from everything. It shouldn't have come to a shock to any one when I started lying about staying at my friends house and then staying out all night. Funny thing was, I never was out getting into any real trouble except breaking curfew for the first couple of years. I would go walk around with my friend. Neither of us did any drugs or drank, we just walked around and talked and listened to music. But then I'd get home and she would have found out that I lied and ground me for a month or two. One of the last good fights we got in ,I'm not even sure what it was about now looking back on it, she was drunk and made , I think because I snagged her cigarettes but she took a swing at me and gave me a black eye and tried to rip my nose ring out. I didn't hit her back though it was really tempting, I just pushed her down on her ass and left the house. I didn't know she had it in her to actually hit me that hard. Slapping and kicking and throwing stuff was one thing, taking a swing and actually making contact, it really threw me off. I left the island shortly after that to move 2000 miles away. She quit drinking when my sister had Ashlyn which is good. I'm glad she's not trying to slowly kill herself anymore. I guess I just wish she didn't seem so surprised when I explained to her that I had anxiety issues and needed anti depressants and I am pretty ocd (not in the locks and handwashing kind of way its more subtle) It's amazing to me that I don't have trust issues and I've been smart enough to stay out of abusive relationships and have no urges to abuse my kids. They say that it's pretty common for someone who was abused to repeat the cycle. It ends with me. My kids will NEVER know the things that I have written in this blog or the horrible events in my life, they will never have to hide in bathrooms afraid or know what it feels like to be degraded by the people who are supposed to love them and protect them. I may not be the perfect parent but I can't fathom the idea of ever EVER exposing my children to what I was. I'm sure I have years of therapy to go through before this stuff will be buried where it needs to be. The medication helps a lot, even if I'm not on it right now, I have 17 weeks before I'm back on it again, actually 13, my therapist wants me back on a month before my due date and i'm starting to think that's not such a bad idea. The last few weeks I've been really depressed. I hide it really well from Rex and the kids because I have to. I don't want them to worry and really there isn't any reason to worry. I'm not suicidal, I value my life and would never be so selfish to put my loved ones through that type of pain. Self preservation is an amazing thing. But I have been depressed. Hopefully I'll be able to tell my therapist about that on wednesday instead of putting on my happy act that I've become so accustom to doing. Put your best face forward right?

The Highs and the lows

Ok I haven't blogged for a while. The good points of this year so far: I started seeing a therapist, not just my shrink, she is fantastic, I look forward to sessions with her. Rex is as awesome as ever. Baby is growing right on schedule. 4 months doesn't seem that far away now. I have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I've got my blood sugar under control which of course is always good. I'm starting to look forward to moving to Zanesville, mostly for the decrease in stress due to money. I've found a few houses there that obviously wont be available when we move but gives me a good idea of what rent will be like there. Cheap. 3 bedroom houses are like 675 so I would imagine I'll be able to find a 4 bedroom for around 750. This would be amazing, that means just in rent we will be saving 550 a month. that's nothing to turn my nose at. This means I can get our bills all caught up, get back on track with school, which I'm going to have to take a break just to focus on becoming mentally ok. I will probably be able to go to classes next year , like actually go because living in Zanesville we will have people that can watch the boys so that I can do these things. Ethan is getting so big, right now his favorite answers to everything are " I know" , " Oh my" and " What?" good times.
He is also sleeping in his big boy bed which is wonderful.
The lows: I am going to have to take Scott to court to get custody of Neoma because he thinks he's going to move her to North Carolina. North Carolina, that lazy bastard can't even bring her to the half way point when I have my time with her, where in his head does he think it's ok to just keep her from me all the way in North Carolina? Not to mention the fact that he wants to get back together with this girl , the one he left me for( that's not my issue with her) she seems to think the world owes her something, she is a raging bitch who when Neoma was 3 had her calling her mommy, who would get psychotic when Neoma would call me mommy, why I mean after all I am her mom, but because I had something psycho girl wanted. Which leads me to the lows with Neoma, I have to take her to see a shrink and soon, she is lying to me A LOT. about stupid things, she acts weird, not like 13 year old weird but just not right like something is messing with her head and with a family history on either side with depression and bi polar disorder, this is very concerning. I think she needs to be here, in a stable environment with constant supervision and to be around her siblings. I'm half tempted to have my mom call childrens protective services and report scott for his pot smoking around Neoma. I know you're probably wondering why I can't but something stops me from being able to do so. I don't know what. He doesn't hide it from her , he smokes around her, he talks about drugs around her. What kind of parent does that? He told her the other day that he was sure that Tristan was going to be gay when he got older. First off, who says that to their daughter about her brother? Who says that to a 13 year old period? And if Tristan is, which I don't see at all, who cares???? I am not going to love him or any of my kids any less whether they are gay, straight or bi. These people disgust me .

I think I need to blog a little more because my god, I think it helps to get it out of my head. I have a ton of school work to do today. Discussion questions and a rough draft for a research paper.