Oh my shrinking head

I go see my psychiatrist today. Woooooooo! This couldn't come at a better time considering I feel like I'm going to have a melt down after hearing that my daughters father would be as cruel as to use her visiting me for Christmas as a punishment for her bad grades for being out of school because she had mono.

damn damn damn crap

I am seriously going to lose my freaking mind. Neoma's dad has now threatened to not let her come here for Christmas because she's still grounded for getting a few bad grades. What kind of crap is that? I just don't even know what I can do at all. I've spoken with one lawyer that says I haven't established my parental rights to her. I gave birth to her and she lived with me on and off til those people took her down to wv and swore they were bringing her back and then didn't. FUCKIN bullshit. She is miserable down there and wants to move here and her great aunt that they live with thinks that she would be better off with me so does her great uncle that lives there as well. However her "Mawmaw" and dad have it in their heads that she should be there where her dad smokes pot at the home and she gets second hand smoke from sleeping in a room with "mawmaw" Her dad also sleeps all the time so tonight I asked what she was having for dinner, its after 7 , her dad is asleep, she has to make herself ramen.
I swear I wish someone would just call CPS and report drug use in the home. I wont because I love Maxine, her great aunt, and don't want her to deal with any grief. I just don't freakin understand how they play these mental games with her. They can't see what is going on, she wants to live here. I can give her a good home with her own room in a drug free , smoke free environment. I don't do drugs, I don't even really use bad language around her. She and I talk about what's going on with her, I listen, she's at an age where she needs me. I'm just so frustrated with this whole damn mess. That's what it is. A huge freakin mess. I don't wish any of those people ill will. I want my daughter that's all. I want her to live with me where I know she can be healthy and happy and well adjusted. She told me over the summer that her dad told her one day he hoped that she could sit down and smoke some pot with him. What kind of dad does that? who the hell says that to their kid? Not me. It's just ridiculous. I don't want my kid to waste her life and do drugs and live at home when she's in her 30's. That's all there is to it. I wish someone besides me had the balls to just call cps and report his drug use so they would take her out of the home and place her with me.

I really don't want to do this homework today. Yeah this blog is nothing deep, it's just me procrastinating. How exciting is that? Not. Thats how exciting it is. I'm tired of finding rhetorical devices and fallacies. I really am. I don't want to know what makes a persuasive argument. I don't know when I am going to appy that. I am not going into business. Sure Administration might need some of that but COME ON. stupid rhetoric. blah. I'm sure this all sounds less than trivial or fairly ignorant but I'm running out of steam and just need a break. My winter break doesn't start for another 3? maybe 3 weeks and that seems like such a long time right now.

What was a saying about ranting?

I freakin hate hate hate the idiots that I have to deal with. They have no concept of family from a realistic stand point. They think only about what they want and not whats best for every body. it makes me sick. It makes me want to pull my hair out. It's not good for me to be this stressed out. You know I have NO issue with people who need state aid , I mean NEED it. But for some mother fucker who works a slack ass job and lives with people , not roommates family, for a small rent of 100 bucks a month and cant bother to pay it all the time because why? because the worst thing that will happen to him is he'll get yelled at. Needs state aid why? To pay for food ? he has a job less rent than ANYONE but where does his money go? Pawn shops to keep his musical equipment from getting sold because he pawned it for drugs and to buy pot. Seriously, wtf? But he is the better parent and surely should be raising an almost teenager. How the hell does this happen? I don't do drugs, I pay my bills as well as I can, I send money when I can for her and thats another thing that chaps my hide, I have to send it through the bureau of child support or write checks to his aunt because I can't trust him to spend the money on my daughter. How freakin sad is that? I bought her a new computer for christmas last year and the only thing I asked him was to get her a printer. Has he? No, guess who is buying her a printer for Christmas this year? Yeah thats right , me. It makes me wonder if he bought her anything last year. I gave her money to get more school clothes at the end of the summer than I had already bought (500 dollars worth) and what does the money get spent on? a nintendo DSI for her. WHY? because he can get a voucher from the state to get her clothes. That is such a gross abuse of the system that is set up to help people who are really in need. Worst part of this is, I was getting ready to start the ball in motion so that she could come live with me, turns out because he kidnapped her and took her to wv without my consent in the first place and the state had to file a child support order against me adn I couldn't go down there when the hearing was and show that he shouldn't even have her because I had NO WAY to get to west virginia, guess what, I don't even have established parental rights, I found this out this week, so I have to establish those first and I , yes me, I have to take a parenting class. Because you know the fact that I have two very well behaved children in my custody shouldn't be proof enough that I'm not too bad at this parenting thing. But I cant do anything because I have to wait til I have this baby because everytime I start talking to lawyers and such I start to cramp up and my god I am NOT going to have a miscarriage because of getting stressed out because people are stupid fucks and can't see that when my daughter says she wants to live with me and I have a room for her and live in a good neighborhood and can give her the time she needs with a parent that they think its better to live with her pot head dad and share a room with a grandparent who smokes cigarettes around her often. This makes me freakin crazy. And thats my rant for the day.