Confessions of a dull spoon

I wish I had other things to blog about

2010-04-25T07:37:00.000-04:00

I would imagine my constant bitching and whining about things that I could totally be mostly in control of has got to wear down on my readers. I never have much else to blog about. I am going to make it a point to at least once a week sit down and blog about something good in my life because my life isn't all bad. I just have no one to bitch about this stuff to , I mean I could bitch to Rex about it but I just hate that we've got so much on our plate already so bitching to him about this stuff just weighs him down even more. So I bitch here. You guys do know you can tell me how lame, whiney, or bitchy or even annoying I'm being, it's ok. I don't have more than a few people who may or may not even read this so feedback, negative or positive is good. Thank you for putting up with me :)

How far into my life do you NEED to cause issues?

2010-04-25T07:32:00.000-04:00

So this stupid problem I'm having with this stupid friend who, yes, I know, I need to just get rid of. This is becoming a bigger issue. Yesterday she didn't ask if her kid could stick around and play she TOLD me her kid was going to stick around and play. I don't mind being asked if things are ok to do when it involves my time and my life but it does bother me if you TELL me that this or that is going to happen.
Still I wasn't going anywhere or doing anything so it wasn't a big deal. SO I thought.
It was, Rex is mad. He's sick of people telling me rather than asking me to do things for them. I know it makes me a door mat and a putz , I'm just way too tired and undermedicated for me to make a big issue of anything right now. So Rex is so sick of this that he's made it an issue between the two of us. This is actually where I've been backed into a corner pretty much and now have to say something because now its effecting my marriage.
I just wish people would think. That would be nice. Think about being considerate toward people who are doing you favors, more than one at this point.
Don't tell people what's going to happen, ask them, it comes off a lot better in the end.

you know what's funny?

2010-04-16T08:17:00.002-04:00

First off that I'm not here to bitch today.
I bet you guys think that's pretty damn amusing and amazing.

But really, I was just thinking about how the first couple weeks that Rex and I were together I didn't really know whether or not I really wanted to be with him. Yeah he was this really really REALLY sweet guy but he, well he was kind of a dork, not that it's a bad thing, I mean hell, I'm a dork but there were just some things about him that i didn't know if I could over look or get past or whatever. The funny thing is that those things have either just gone away or I've just gotten so accustom to them that I don't even notice, I think a lot of it had to be him being nervous around my friends/ roommates. You know, wanting to make sure he got their approval. I guess. But I think back to who he was then (and who I was then) and who we are now and it's so funny to think how different we were apart and as a couple. I mean yeah there are the obvious changes, marriage and kids will do that, but just doing a lot of growing up together.
I am so lucky to have him, I can honestly say that I've never been so in love with someone in my life. It's not consuming like the movies and books say "it should be" but at the same point it's better than that. I look at him on a day to day basis and he makes me smile in the silliest ways possible. I look at him and marvel at the fact that I love him so damn much. I can look at him and know that there's no one else I'd rather be with.
We've been together for 4 years and 8 days and you know what's funny? We've only spent 1 day apart. Sure, we've had fights, what couple doesn't. They've never been so bad that we haven't worked things out within the duration of the fight, and it's not who's giving in to the other, we actually compromise over whatever the issue is. They're never these knock down screaming crying fights that I've had with previous boy friends or sig. others. They aren't either one of us is getting our way or we'll drag this fight out. They're more so on the side of heated discussions which rarely happen. I never stay mad for any amount of time. We've never discussed breaking up or had the feeling that we needed to. I couldn't picture my life without him, not even for a second.
I told someone and I think I may have even blogged about it that he makes the crazy in my head quiet. I feel an amazing calm when I'm around him. I'm secure and happy with what we have. I've never been 100% secure with any relationship. There's always been that little question nagging the crazy in me in the back of my head. You know the one that makes you wonder if your sig other has a wandering eye or you know, a wandering appendage. lol. I've never really had that with him.
We weathered such a huge storm when we got together that by all means should have broken us up from the git go. If you look at all the crap we had to deal with in the first year you would have thought we were doomed from the moment we met. From my dad passing away, working in that crazy crazy bar, Ben passing away and the whole load of extra crap that was piled on because of that, his mom being less than fond of me, crazy drunk roommates, his grandfather having a stroke, a miscarriage, and moving not once but 3 times in the first 2 years. That kind of stress can really put a strain on any relationship. But we made it through all of that and we've been truly blessed.
Like I said I look at him every day and I'm amazed that he loves me as much as he does. It amazes me how much I love him in turn. We might not have a lot, when you look at us on paper, you know, financially or materialistically , used cars, used tvs, crappy couch, over priced rent, living pay check to pay check but the one thing we have is a wonderful family -kids, dog, us. And that to me is worth more than I can even begin to express.

UN BELIEV ABLE

2010-04-14T17:28:00.002-04:00

No seriously.
What part of I am having a baby and WONT be able to watch your kid the day after I get home from the hospital doesn't make any sense?
What part of I'm going to have my tubes tied (surgically) and WONT be able to watch your kid for at least a week doesn't seem like a possibility?
OH YEAH and what part of my MOM and my AUNT( who I haven't seen in almost 10 years) are coming to visit me from this date to this date and I WONT be able to watch your kid then either (I'm giving you a months warning) DONT you understand?

I mean seriously folks, How is it that these are me being inconsiderate?
Who the hell would even ask their friend that?
I'll tell you who. (I bet you knew that was coming) Someone who apparently has absolutely NO CONSIDERATION for anyone elses life.
It just goes back to the same bitch and gripe I've had. Why the hell would you get a third shift job and expect your extremely pregnant friend to watch your kid when there's no one else that can do it?
Wouldn't you get a day shift job since there are people around the neighborhood who can and will watch your kid for cheap during the day and not leave the responsibility of your pregnant friend who could literally go into labor at any time to find someone to watch your kid when she has to get a hold of her extended family to watch her own kids if she goes into labor.
Then what happens? You sleep all fucking day and ask who? who? to pick up your kid at the bus stop? That's right, the same friend.
I AM SO SICK of being treated like a door mat.
Yeah I know Michelle, that's your title right? lol. I joke.
But seriously, the thing that sucks the most about this is AFTER , like a month after I have the baby I wont mind watching her damn kid. But I mean come on, why in anyone's head does this make sense until then. It doesn't to me. I know it's my fault because I'm a spineless weenie who doesn't like to piss people off or hurt their feelings. I just wish that someone , or more so Jess, would consider how this is to me and that she might make me feel like an asshole to say no because "she doesn't have anyone who can watch her kid 3rd shift but me"
Really I wouldn't mind doing it you know even for free if she didn't just spring this shit on me and make me feel like if I don't give her a hand that I'm a bad person.

I know you guys are so sick of hearing me bitch. I would be too.
I just don't understand people. Ya know?

Things are a ok but boy I don't understand anyone anymore

2010-04-13T16:08:00.001-04:00

Why oh why if you know that I don't like my mother in law and you're MY friend, even though I referred you to her for a hair person because I know you need clients and you're just that good, would you give baby clothes to her for me when she lives in Zanesville and you live like 15 minutes from me? I won't see those clothes for a while.
I also don't get why my mother in law wouldn't just drop them off after her hair appt (in town) before she went home.

Like I said I don't understand people. That's all.

So let me ask you

2010-04-02T08:37:00.002-04:00

Scenario~ Your friend is 33 weeks pregnant( that's 7 weeks from her due date, 6 if she makes it to her induction date, that's to say she doesn't go into labor early) You've decided to take a job as a night stocker and want her to watch your kid. Are you expecting your friend to watch your kid when she gets back from the hospital? WHY in the name of all that is good in this world would you take a position that requires you to rely on only one person? There IS NO ONE else who can watch your kid during these ridiculous hours , your friend will be in the hospital a minimum of 3 days provided nothing goes wrong and she has a normal delivery, are you expecting her to just jump right back into watching your kid so you can work?

What I want to know, is how the hell do you justify this in your own head that it's going to be ok, not realizing that you're going to lose your job and blame it on your friend cause you're a psycho hose beast and took a job that isn't really an option as far as child care goes. How does this make sense? Especially if your kid doesn't (I know she wont) want to comply with how your friends house is ran. Early bed times, actual rules, someone WHO WONT baby your 8 year old because they're a whiney spoiled brat, who is too freaking tired all the time and has a challenge enough taking care of her own kids at this point because she's so freaking pregnant it's ridiculous.

Where the hell does this make sense?

Honestly, I'm having a hard enough time trying to find someone who can watch my kids while I'm in the hospital, I sure the hell wouldn't as a recently post partum friend to still watch my kid overnight when they have a toddler, a 9 year old and a brand new baby to take care of.
I think she's expecting that some how I can just magically do all this and is going to pitch a fit and be a bitch when I tell her that I wont be able to when the new baby comes. How is it fair to me to have to deal with this bullshit or for that matter to be put in this situation.
Why wouldn't she have taken a day time position where she has other options as far as people to watch her kid go?

Crappy birthday to me

2010-03-20T21:40:00.001-04:00

yeah I know you guys are probably sick of the pity party I seem to have or my bitching because what kind of person bitches and whines this much right?
Today I turned 37, not a huge freaking deal but I would have thought that maybe some family would have sent cards. I did get a ton of love via facebook though. that was nice. My lovely daughter didn't call me, I got a lame freakin email last minute saying sorry she hasn't called she's been really busy. WTF is that. It would have taken her just as long to freakin call me as it did to send me that stupid email.
It would have meant the world to me since she hasn't called in months. I just get really short ended emails like she's either not allowed to talk to me or has been fed some sort of bullshit about me that would make her not want to talk to me. All I know is that the one thing in the world I wanted today was to hear her voice and know that she's not being all weird. That's it, not too much to ask right?
On top of all this my mother in law neglected to give Tristan and phone and remind him to call me. Just because I wanted to be kid free for the weekend didn't mean that I didn't want to hear from him on my birthday.
You add to that the fact that Rex has been asleep since 9. Yeah, I think I would have done better just going to bed at 8 or not getting my hopes up that maybe he'd stay up and watch a movie with me or something like that.
I guess that was a bit too much to hope for.
I'm just really fucking depressed right now and I know it's probably stupid and probably half because I'm not on my medication. It sucks either way.
Next year I'm not even going to acknowledge that I've gotten older , it's just going to be another day. Then I wont have any reason to be disappointed.

Fighting on the internet

2010-03-16T13:33:00.001-04:00

Is like winning the special olympics.

I'm over it.

I think that if you are going to be nasty with someone over stupid things or even get rid of friends then they were never really your friends to begin with.

I just don't understand

2010-03-04T15:30:00.003-05:00

I am so freaking sick of feeling like my heart is being torn out of my chest on a day to day basis. I'm so sick of the fact that my daughter tells me things like her "mawmaw" went through all her emails and then venomously says to her, " you're not going to live with your mom, you can just forget about it" Like I've done something horrible. I can't even begin to imagine what she thinks I've done or whatever that she would be so against my daughter living with me. Something so horrendous that she thinks that Neoma is better of with her drug using dad than me. I can't even begin to think of what that would be. What the hell is wrong with these people?

I swear some people

2010-03-02T23:50:00.002-05:00

MY daughters grandmother is trying to keep her from visiting us for spring break because she found out that Neoma wants to live with me. WTF is that all about? I mean seriously? NO you can't see your mom and your brothers because you don't want to live with your dad? How is that even rational? She developed this thought on her own. I've never pushed her to move in with me or want to, she wants to, I don't think anyone should be punished for that. She's a smart girl and see's what's going on around her. Maybe if her dad didn't yell all the time or smoke pot in front of her or sleep when he's supposed to be spending time with her maybe, just maybe she would want to live with him. Fact is, she doesn't. I don't think she should be punished for that AND it's not her "mawmaw's call to say whether she visits with me or not" She is not treated badly or neglected up here. There is no safety reasons why she should be denied her spring break visit. It's all because "mawmaw" doesn't like that maybe just maybe Neoma has her own mind and her own opinions and doesn't want to live with her dad. People really piss me off.
And I'm supposed to be avoiding stress according to my doctor, how can you avoid stress when you're surrounded by people who don't make sound decisions that make sense?

I really wish

2010-02-26T15:37:00.002-05:00

that people would stop getting mad at me for wanting to do things the right way, the fair way, even if it's someone who doesn't deserve for me to do things the right way. I'm sorry that I'm not a cut throat person, underhanded, or inconsiderate. I just feel ESPECIALLY in this horrible situation with Neoma and custody that I should do my best to find an address to inform Scott no matter how I feel about him or this situation,that I am petitioning for a change in custody because of his lack of consideration or thoughtlessness toward how I might feel about him thinking he can do what ever he wants with OUR daughter. I do think it's right for me to find somewhere to send him a subpoena to the hearing because I do owe it to Neoma to be able to find a happy peaceful solution to this situation. The purpose of this hearing is for a judge to decide who she should live with not Scott's mom. It's to make sure that there is court ordered visitation with either parent, so that no one can just disappear with Neoma and not consider the feelings of the other parent. Which is exactly what Scott is trying to do but isn't going to succeed in doing. It's so he CANT just take her to North Carolina and disappear and I don't see my girl again. It's so that even if a judge thinks Neoma should be with Scott, he HAS to make sure to get her to me for our regular visits and CANT just decide that he is going to punish me or her by withholding visits. Am I a nervous wreck about this? Sure I am. Am I worried that all of this is coming at the worst time possible with my not doing so hot and my doctor telling me to avoid stress? You bet. Am I incredibly concerned that I wont be permitted to make these trips because of my current health? Sure. Am I going to pretend to be someone I'm not and go after Scott in an unfair way by not informing him of my petition to the court like he neglected to inform me that he moved to NC and left our daughter in the care of his aunt and mother? No I'm upset but I dont think I should compromise who I am and how I feel so that other people think I'm doing this the best way I should. That's not how things work with me and I wouldn't feel good going about them that way at all. I am not the best person in the world but I try to be a good person. Ya know?

Ima gonna blow my flippin lid

2010-02-25T16:25:00.002-05:00

So Scott, Neoma's dad, has moved to North Carolina, left her with her grandma and her great aunt, thinks that he can just move and not consult me, not tell me that he's planning on moving her there or that those people seem to just want to go along with whatever he wants, the guy can't take care of himself. So why the hell would they think that he could take care of Neoma too?

Love

2010-02-19T20:02:00.001-05:00

ain't it grand?

yep yep yep yep.

Things I think are funny

2010-02-15T16:55:00.002-05:00

Funny in a weird kind of way. for one, a friend who lives 10 minutes away from me who says when we move she'll come visit. Why not come see us now. Rather than waiting for it to be an hour drive? Apparently I'm not that cool unless there's a road trip involved. Kinda funny don't you think?
People who live somewhere it snows EVERY winter. Whether it be a lot or a little. These same people, well a lot of them, complain A LOT about how much the snow sucks. Well then move. It's that simple,especially the single ones. The ones who have only lived here for 3 years are especially funny. I've lived in Columbus Ohio for 15 years and have seen all sorts of winters, dry , snowy , rainy, frozen, icy. You name it, I've seen it. Don't bitch about it, you moved here.
those are two for today. I'll have more this week I'm sure.

I wish people would give me more credit than they do

2010-02-11T07:03:00.002-05:00

I'm not stupid. I'm not a rocket scientist by any means but I'm not stupid. Some how Neoma's dad seems to think that he can just up and move to NC and I won't find out why or who he's moving there for and that he's what? going to magically just come get Neoma and move her there without my consent? That he can just take her where ever he wants? Without consulting me or the family courts for that matter? Oh he has another thing coming, according to multiple websites and wv family law, he has to inform the court if he moves. Since he has failed to do so and just left Neoma in the care of her great aunt and grandmother this is going to look bad to the courts, the fact that he's neglected to tell me or for that matter to let me know that he has plans to move her there is not going to look good on him either.
Next month I will be filing a motion to change or modify the current custody order, which might I add was crap to begin with. I am going to at the least, this is the least get an established visitation order in place to protect myself from him thinking he can just take her and fall off the face of the earth or keep her from her usual visits. Of course this could fall even further in my favor as he isn't employed or have a home of his own there and the courts, if he shows up at all, will rule for her to live with me instead and he would have established visitation.
Neoma informed me yesterday that "mawmaw" has already told scott that if he does not find a job and a home of his own that she will send Neoma to live with me. I don't know if she realizes that Neoma living with me would definitely benefit her far more than letting him run willy nilly with Neoma. I have a stable home, I am focused on keeping their grades good, I am a dedicated parent who rarely goes out or even has company for that matter. I also live closer than NC and I'm not going to keep "mawmaw" from visiting her. I am not going to keep her from visiting, that's not who I am. So hopefully they will weigh all this stuff out and just send her to live with me where she's going to have the kind of home she needs to be in. I'm going to have to do a lot of praying that this works in my favor mostly for Neoma's sake. She really needs this.

I would love to completely lose my mind right now

2010-01-27T13:37:00.002-05:00

I know, I never post anything happy on here. Sorry I have a lot of stress. Today was one of those days. Things are going good in my marriage, I'm probably getting A's again after my finals are over. I'm taking a break from school because I really need to.
Today I got a notice from the state of ohio saying the state of WV bureau of child support is taking ALL of our tax money. Yeah there are some of you that are going to say it's my own damn fault because I can't budget in the money every month. It's near impossible to between bills and rent and food to be able to afford to do much of anything. I don't know how many times I've explained my situation to any of you and why Neoma lives in WV with her dad but it's bullshit and do you know what he's going to do with that money? He's going to take it and spend it on pawn items, beer and pot. Yeah that's right, not Neoma, shit for him and when he gets the bulk of the tax money he is going to try to take my daughter to NC to move in with his psycho ex girlfriend from like 9 years ago who has had him thrown in jail over night for domestic violence here in Ohio, he in turn faked that she beat him up and had her thrown in jail for the night for the same thing. These people are toxic together. Anyway, my situation is that he had a heroine problem, yes that's right HE had the problem, I don't do drugs. He decided to put himself in rehab and it was going to take a few days before they could admit him and he went into withdrawal and was hospitalized. The hospital called his nut job of a mom and she came up and took him and took my daughter promising to have her back at the end of the summer for school, then proceeded to call me and say that they enrolled her in school in wv and she wasn't going to be returned because I was a bad mother because she never had a sheet on her bed. I don't know about any of you but when a kid kicks their sheets off their bed every night you tend to want to just leave the sheet where they kicked it off and if they want it they'll take it. So I was manipulated the shit out of to feel like I deserved to just leave her with them even though he's a freaking junkie and doesn't like to work. Everyday I regret that I didn't file kidnapping charges. They took her without any custody agreement or consent at all. They keep her from me when ever they don't feel like letting her see me. HE was on welfare because again he doesn't like to work so the dept of welfare went after me for child support and I called to see if I could reschedule my court date because I didn't have a car to get to wv they said no. He DIDNT even show up to this hearing I couldn't make it to and they awarded him custody of her because he had physical custody of her. They didn't reduce or even find out what my income was which I had NO income when this case happened and so I owe like 5k in child support. So they're taking our taxes. To give to him for child support that he doesn't deserve. His great aunt has been housing them and he feeds them with food stamps, works a crappy little job at a rest area and spends his paychecks on pot, pills, beer and stuff he has in a pawn shop that he put there to get money for pot, pills and beer. Everything I have I give to my kids. Everything Rex makes goes toward giving them a better life, clothes and food. I spend hundreds of dollars every time Neoma is here on clothes and things for her but that never gets credited toward the child support I owe. So tell me why my husband busts his ass and when we file our taxes with our tax credits for our kids it goes straight to some asshole who isn't going to spend it on my daughter? Plus he gets to go and file his taxes and claim her and get that as well. Do I get to do anything special for my boys? No. He said the last time I talked to him that he'd return half of it to me but anyone who knows him will tell you, this includes his great aunt, that he's a liar and it'll be gone as soon as it gets to him. Thanks for listening to my rant.

The dark places

2010-01-24T00:11:00.002-05:00

I am in such a dark place right now, this doesn't include the fact that I'm sitting alone in my dark living room. You know that space where you aren't quite asleep and aren't really awake, well living in that space was some memories that I didn't really want to think about. Memories that should have stayed buried far back in my mind. We all know that mentally I'm not quite right and there are so many reasons behind that so many unimaginable terrible reasons behind that. I'm not one to bare my whole soul to anyone much less blog about it but it just seems like maybe this is the only way to get it out of my head this evening so maybe I can get some rest. I started thinking about how messed up I was as a teenager and then realized that it's really strange that no one got me the "help" that I needed. I was abused pretty severely as a child. Not in the broken bones " oh she must have fallen off her bike" way that always seems so common when you read about abused children but in the manner that I was verbally abused day in and day out from age 6 or so on up. I was hit with coat hangers if things didn't go the way my moms current boyfriend wanted. The welts on my back were enough to have the cops called at school but not enough to do anything about it. I was hit, I watched my mother get hit and called things like "cunt" and "whore" I once saw her get her nose broken. I can't begin to tell you the countless times that we (my sister, mother and I) had to hide in a locked bathroom hoping that her boyfriend would leave the room or even the apartment long enough to get the phone from the bedroom or living room depending on which bathroom we had locked ourselves into. Legs pushed against the counter so he couldn't break down the door and get to us. The tons of times the cops were called and again would do nothing but say things like " a mans home is his castle, we can only keep him over night" The countless times I felt my heart drop as I knew he was going to come home and pretend that he was sorry and everything would be ok only to have him spin off in a rage two nights later. It amazes me how co dependent my mom really was and how often she soaked herself in alcohol just to numb herself from what was going on and how much pain and abuse she had taken and how she did so little to protect her kids from those kinds of horrors. I can tell you about the time that we were moving and her current boyfriend at the time was drunk and high and made about something and threw the bunk beds off the deck of our second story apartment only to watch them shatter to pieces on the ground and turn around and come after my mom who I though for once was going to take a stand as she picked up a ratchet handle and hit him her hardest on his head which only made him even more mad as he turned around and grabbed my by the throat and wiped the blood coming from his head on my face and the wall behind me. How when I finally had the nerve to tell her that I had been sexually abused when I was 13 she called me a liar and how sure I am that there was earlier abuse, sexual abuse because of thinking about my behavior as a child. How far into denial my mom was and I think still is even though she doesn't soak herself in alcohol to pretend it didn't' happen. She used to get wasted and tell us she was an asshole and you know what, I've never really sat and thought about it I always felt the need to tell her she was wrong and she was a good mom and I know it sounds funny that this is all coming out of me now but I've always told myself it was in the past and should stay there and not touch me ever again. I guess I was wrong. I am so troubled by the fact that there was no talk of having my sister and I go see a therapist or a child psychologist so that we could deal with almost 10 years of abuse. I always took it stride and told people that no matter what happened it was behind me and I survived and that's what mattered. I'm starting to wonder who I would be right now if I had been offered some sort of help instead of being blown off and made to feel like a freak because I couldn't fit into "normal" like my mom wanted me to. You would have thought that the abuse would have ended when my grandparent and aunt and uncle stepped in and made my mom move us back to catalina away from the abusive boyfriends. It didn't , it was just a new chapter of abuse. She would get drunk probably from trying to not deal with the earlier years and would tell me I was a freak and an idiot and why couldn't I just fit in. She'd call me a slut or whatever else she could think of and then draw me back in by saying she was a bad parent wanting to hear from me that she wasn't and everything was ok. The yelling and the drinking was unbearable sometimes. Other times it just made it easy to sneak out and escape from everything. It shouldn't have come to a shock to any one when I started lying about staying at my friends house and then staying out all night. Funny thing was, I never was out getting into any real trouble except breaking curfew for the first couple of years. I would go walk around with my friend. Neither of us did any drugs or drank, we just walked around and talked and listened to music. But then I'd get home and she would have found out that I lied and ground me for a month or two. One of the last good fights we got in ,I'm not even sure what it was about now looking back on it, she was drunk and made , I think because I snagged her cigarettes but she took a swing at me and gave me a black eye and tried to rip my nose ring out. I didn't hit her back though it was really tempting, I just pushed her down on her ass and left the house. I didn't know she had it in her to actually hit me that hard. Slapping and kicking and throwing stuff was one thing, taking a swing and actually making contact, it really threw me off. I left the island shortly after that to move 2000 miles away. She quit drinking when my sister had Ashlyn which is good. I'm glad she's not trying to slowly kill herself anymore. I guess I just wish she didn't seem so surprised when I explained to her that I had anxiety issues and needed anti depressants and I am pretty ocd (not in the locks and handwashing kind of way its more subtle) It's amazing to me that I don't have trust issues and I've been smart enough to stay out of abusive relationships and have no urges to abuse my kids. They say that it's pretty common for someone who was abused to repeat the cycle. It ends with me. My kids will NEVER know the things that I have written in this blog or the horrible events in my life, they will never have to hide in bathrooms afraid or know what it feels like to be degraded by the people who are supposed to love them and protect them. I may not be the perfect parent but I can't fathom the idea of ever EVER exposing my children to what I was. I'm sure I have years of therapy to go through before this stuff will be buried where it needs to be. The medication helps a lot, even if I'm not on it right now, I have 17 weeks before I'm back on it again, actually 13, my therapist wants me back on a month before my due date and i'm starting to think that's not such a bad idea. The last few weeks I've been really depressed. I hide it really well from Rex and the kids because I have to. I don't want them to worry and really there isn't any reason to worry. I'm not suicidal, I value my life and would never be so selfish to put my loved ones through that type of pain. Self preservation is an amazing thing. But I have been depressed. Hopefully I'll be able to tell my therapist about that on wednesday instead of putting on my happy act that I've become so accustom to doing. Put your best face forward right?

The Highs and the lows

2010-01-13T09:35:00.002-05:00

Ok I haven't blogged for a while. The good points of this year so far: I started seeing a therapist, not just my shrink, she is fantastic, I look forward to sessions with her. Rex is as awesome as ever. Baby is growing right on schedule. 4 months doesn't seem that far away now. I have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I've got my blood sugar under control which of course is always good. I'm starting to look forward to moving to Zanesville, mostly for the decrease in stress due to money. I've found a few houses there that obviously wont be available when we move but gives me a good idea of what rent will be like there. Cheap. 3 bedroom houses are like 675 so I would imagine I'll be able to find a 4 bedroom for around 750. This would be amazing, that means just in rent we will be saving 550 a month. that's nothing to turn my nose at. This means I can get our bills all caught up, get back on track with school, which I'm going to have to take a break just to focus on becoming mentally ok. I will probably be able to go to classes next year , like actually go because living in Zanesville we will have people that can watch the boys so that I can do these things. Ethan is getting so big, right now his favorite answers to everything are " I know" , " Oh my" and " What?" good times.
He is also sleeping in his big boy bed which is wonderful.
The lows: I am going to have to take Scott to court to get custody of Neoma because he thinks he's going to move her to North Carolina. North Carolina, that lazy bastard can't even bring her to the half way point when I have my time with her, where in his head does he think it's ok to just keep her from me all the way in North Carolina? Not to mention the fact that he wants to get back together with this girl , the one he left me for( that's not my issue with her) she seems to think the world owes her something, she is a raging bitch who when Neoma was 3 had her calling her mommy, who would get psychotic when Neoma would call me mommy, why I mean after all I am her mom, but because I had something psycho girl wanted. Which leads me to the lows with Neoma, I have to take her to see a shrink and soon, she is lying to me A LOT. about stupid things, she acts weird, not like 13 year old weird but just not right like something is messing with her head and with a family history on either side with depression and bi polar disorder, this is very concerning. I think she needs to be here, in a stable environment with constant supervision and to be around her siblings. I'm half tempted to have my mom call childrens protective services and report scott for his pot smoking around Neoma. I know you're probably wondering why I can't but something stops me from being able to do so. I don't know what. He doesn't hide it from her , he smokes around her, he talks about drugs around her. What kind of parent does that? He told her the other day that he was sure that Tristan was going to be gay when he got older. First off, who says that to their daughter about her brother? Who says that to a 13 year old period? And if Tristan is, which I don't see at all, who cares???? I am not going to love him or any of my kids any less whether they are gay, straight or bi. These people disgust me .

I think I need to blog a little more because my god, I think it helps to get it out of my head. I have a ton of school work to do today. Discussion questions and a rough draft for a research paper.

I think I'm done venting for the rest of the year

2009-12-25T14:19:00.002-05:00

I've vented til I'm blue in the face and now it's time to rest.
Mind you I do have a few gripes here and there but those can be saved til next year when I feel they're worthy of griping about.
I got my daughter early cause the power was out down in WV, karma stepped in and 5 minutes before I got there to pick her up the power went back on. So I got her for Christmas and that's what counts. That'll show them to try to keep her from me on the holidays. lol.

I had a good christmas morning and now it's time to finish my cooking and have a good Christmas evening and rest when it's all said and done

Merry Christmas to you all!

Who ever reads this that is.

The bus stops here

2009-12-17T13:55:00.002-05:00

I know you're probably really sick of hearing me bitch. Lord knows I'm sick of bitching. So because I try to help people I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of, totally walked all over. I loaned Jess my van today so she could get groceries and guess what? It's almost 2pm. I put my key where she could get it at 9am. Now correct me if I'm wrong but dont you think if you're borrowing, key word being BORROWING, your friends van that you'd go get it as early as it was available and then NOT be out til 2? It just seems to me that if you needed the van that long you would have said, hey I need to take your van for like 5 hours. Not can I borrow your van to drop off laundry and get groceries? It's bullshit and from now on out, I'm not doing anything nice for anyone. I'm sick of the bullshit and I'm sick of feeling like an asshole for wanting to use MY van and I'm sick of feeling like an asshole for wondering where MY van is when it's almost 2 and I have to get the kids at 2:30, HER kid included btw. I dont have to be nice and pick up her kid and drop her off. I dont. I don't have to be nice and pick up her kid in the morning so they don't have to walk to the bus stop. I don't. I do because I don't want them to have to walk in the cold morning air and I pick her up cause it's just a few minutes from my house and again it's cold. So why am I being made to feel like an asshole because I am not in the mood to have to wait all fucking afternoon to get MY van. Does that make me an asshole?

No really, Are you FUCKIN SERIOUS?

2009-12-14T12:22:00.003-05:00

I don't know why Jess wants to pick fights with me. I try to offer her what I think is the explanation on why they were trying to pull their medicaid because the job and family services didn't have Jess's husbands info so they could find out if they were ripping off the system or not. She gets mad at me. Seriously? As soon as her husband is up here I am writing her and all her drama off. I am not a punching bag. I didn't ask to be someone's punching bag just because things aren't working out the way they want them to. I'm not job and family services and I don't know why they would try to pull her medicaid. Again, I'm not the fucking enemy. I will be so glad in 5 days when her husband gets here and I can just be done with it. It's not my problem any more. She has been so mentally abusive toward me and all I've tried to do was help her. No more. I am having her phone shut off at the end of the month, if she needs one she can get one on his plan. I'm not paying for a phone for someone who is just flat out mean to me. I'm sorry the state wants to make sure that Nessa's dad is her paternal father. I am not the state, I don't know why they want to know for sure. I would imagine it's because so many people abuse the system and you don't have to be someones biological parent to be on a birth certificate. I know this, hell you could put Mickey Mouse was your child's biological father if you really wanted to. Doesn't mean that you pro created with Mickey Mouse now does it? I just keep telling myself this nightmare is almost over. I thought she was starting to be pleasant again because of yesterday, my bad.

SO I'm just wondering

2009-12-11T12:08:00.003-05:00

If you are going to act like you aren't friends with someone and only contact them when you NEED something, why would you feel that it was ok to still ask to borrow their vehicle or take your kid to and from the bus stop or for that matter ask them to take you to the airport (when they have other things going on) to go pick up your husband. I just want to know where in someone's head this is acceptable behavior. I just think if you're not going to act like you're friends with someone, why would you think it's even ok to ask or assume that they owe you something so they have to?
I just don't understand. I wouldn't dream of asking someone I treated badly or didn't care to hang out with socially whether I moved to live closer to them or not, I wouldn't fathom the idea of asking them for favors and not just little favors. I have to be at Rex's company Xmas party a week from this Saturday and Jess's husband is flying in from Kansas and of course I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing to pick him up from the airport. The only reason I agreed to was because it's not this guys fault that his wife is a raving lunatic and he needs to get home from the airport. I don't know him from jack but again, it's not his fault his wife is treating me like crap.

just a couple things to vent about

2009-12-06T09:04:00.002-05:00

First, the news is fucked. That's all I have to say about that. Yesterday they were talking about this HS kid who got hit by a train and followed it up with with it was on the eve of his HS football championship. Honestly Who the fuck cares about the stupid championship, this kid got hit by a train. Ya know?
Second, People are assholes. We were out shopping with the boys last night and went to Kohls and there weren't any of the shopping carts with the stroller seat attached to them. However there were people without kids using them. Not just using them but watchin people try to carry infants and toddlers around and shop with a regular cart and not offering to trade carts with them. How fucking rude is that?
That's my rant for today, now back to the hustle and bustle of rude people and christmas shopping.

You know whats annoying

2009-12-04T17:05:00.002-05:00

Is that I am getting really sick of being expected to go here and there and loan out my van when I have things to get done because if I hadn't asked Jess to go out the night her van got hit then it would still be running, not really the sensors are all jacked up and that's something that apparently was going when she bought it. But I still feel responsible for it and her so guess who just has to say ok instead of no when I want to? I really try to be a good friend but it's frustrating when you're loaning your vehicle to someone who doesn't put gas in it and when they use it to go to the store it takes them 3 to 4 fucking hours. Who takes that long to get groceries when the store is right up the freaking street? It doesn't take that long. I have to get groceries to feed a family of 4.5 and it takes me maybe an hour, hour and a half tops. She is feeding a family of 2. That's it. 2 , her and her daughter. How the hell does that take 3 to 4 freaking hours? I take her to doctors appts, pick her up, pick up her kid to take to and from the bus stop every day, I let her use my washer and dryer and use my van to transport her laundry, and she still treats me like I'm the enemy half the fucking time. I'm pregnant, I'm tired, I am tired of giving a shit. I really am starting to regret her ever moving here.
We might be moving to Zanesville after our lease is up because it is closer to all the old people who are getting so old that they need help with stuff , its closer to family (rex's) and its much more cost effective for us to live there. and what do I get? Grief from Jess because I wont tell Rex no we can't move there for completely understandable reasons. He is my husband and our sole provider of finances and the love of my life of course I am going to move where he feels we need to especially when it's going to help us financially as well. We're barely keeping our heads above water living in this house, I would like to be able to not stress out about rent and bills for once in my life. It would be so good for my family and my mental health as well.
I am sorry I just use this blog to vent. I don't feel like I really can anywhere else.
Hey in some good news, I have an appointment on monday to find out what variety of baby I am having.

Seriously?

2009-12-02T09:48:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm under attack. My "best friend" I use that term in quotes because she doesn't act like it sometimes, told me today that her inner ear infection was because my dishwasher broke down a few weeks ago and there was water in it for a week, well since then it's been drained and ran on high heat mind you, several times. She told me she has antibiotic resistant strep. This hasn't been diagnosed by a doctor. This was her own diagnosis. So I don't let this bother me, I apologize, she sends me a text that says that she doesn't think I know how to disinfect anything or that I even care to. What kind of bullshit is that? So rather than playing on the defensive I just let it blow off. Ok not really but I'm not in the mood for this to escalate to some sort of major drama. So what it boils down to is that her being sick, which has NOT been determined why, is my fault because I'm a filthy unsanitary person. If she really thinks that then why does she come hang out and use my dishes? Why is it that no one else that used the dishes in the dishwasher last week got sick except her? This includes my mother in law, step father in law, and grampa and and AND the kids and Rex? Why do none of them have strep or ear infections? Doesn't it seem strange to you that no one else has any problem except for her? Call me crazy but it just seems to me that if my dishes were covered in some bacteria that everyone that used those dishes would have gotten sick. Dont you think? I'm just not about to deal with this , not like the last time she blamed whatever was going on , on me. I think I just need to take a step back and not talk to her for a week or so. It's just really insulting that someone who has lived in your house (rent free) uses your washer and dryer on a week to week basis, sometimes the detergent as well, comes over to eat here and there, and you drive everywhere they need to go without complain, wouldn't say shit like that. If my house is so freakin unsanitary then why would you come over here? Is my kitchen a mess? Sure it is. I spend most of my free time doing homework and chasing Ethan around trying to get his messes cleaned up, I buy paper plates. I was pots and pans, but I still have a sink full of dishes. There is no secret there. Would I like it to be cleaner? Sure I would but until I have a little more free time and a properly functioning dishwasher, that I don't have to wash everything in it 4 times to know its clean, don't criticize my house when I know your house is just as freakin bad. It just makes me want to be really bitchy and do things like shut off her cellphone that she talks to her husband to everyday on that is on my account. I have enough shit on my plate being pregnant, going to school full time and being a full time mom that I shouldn't have to worry about the rest of the world as well. She got mad because I had a HUGE migraine the other day , not a headache, those are tolerable, a migraine and yeah I was bitchy and pissed off that she wanted to go to the store and then took forever while I waited in my van in excruciating pain, all I wanted to do was go home , put Ethan to bed and try to sleep through the pain. Did that matter to her? Hell no. She took her sweet ass time. I know you're thinking I should just cut this person out of my life. I probably would if I hadn't known her for 20 years. If I didn't owe her a ton of money. or if she didn't move here just to live near me. I have a huge guilty conscious about the money and her moving here and it is what drives me to take her places when she needs to , plus i feel responsible for her van not running even though it turns out that what's wrong with it has nothing to do with the minor accident we had in it. I still feel responsible if she needs to go to the store or get prescriptions or get movies or anything. I just know that if I see her later she's going to act like she didn't say those things to me and that they didn't hurt me. I am sorry she's sick, I'd feel even worse if it was because of my dishwasher but blaming me before a doctor gives you a diagnosis doesn't do anything but drive a huge wedge between she and I and I end up walking around with a huge chip on my shoulder and let me tell you , those bastards are heavy.

Oh my shrinking head

2009-11-24T08:23:00.002-05:00

I go see my psychiatrist today. Woooooooo! This couldn't come at a better time considering I feel like I'm going to have a melt down after hearing that my daughters father would be as cruel as to use her visiting me for Christmas as a punishment for her bad grades for being out of school because she had mono.

damn damn damn crap

2009-11-23T20:04:00.002-05:00

I am seriously going to lose my freaking mind. Neoma's dad has now threatened to not let her come here for Christmas because she's still grounded for getting a few bad grades. What kind of crap is that? I just don't even know what I can do at all. I've spoken with one lawyer that says I haven't established my parental rights to her. I gave birth to her and she lived with me on and off til those people took her down to wv and swore they were bringing her back and then didn't. FUCKIN bullshit. She is miserable down there and wants to move here and her great aunt that they live with thinks that she would be better off with me so does her great uncle that lives there as well. However her "Mawmaw" and dad have it in their heads that she should be there where her dad smokes pot at the home and she gets second hand smoke from sleeping in a room with "mawmaw" Her dad also sleeps all the time so tonight I asked what she was having for dinner, its after 7 , her dad is asleep, she has to make herself ramen.
I swear I wish someone would just call CPS and report drug use in the home. I wont because I love Maxine, her great aunt, and don't want her to deal with any grief. I just don't freakin understand how they play these mental games with her. They can't see what is going on, she wants to live here. I can give her a good home with her own room in a drug free , smoke free environment. I don't do drugs, I don't even really use bad language around her. She and I talk about what's going on with her, I listen, she's at an age where she needs me. I'm just so frustrated with this whole damn mess. That's what it is. A huge freakin mess. I don't wish any of those people ill will. I want my daughter that's all. I want her to live with me where I know she can be healthy and happy and well adjusted. She told me over the summer that her dad told her one day he hoped that she could sit down and smoke some pot with him. What kind of dad does that? who the hell says that to their kid? Not me. It's just ridiculous. I don't want my kid to waste her life and do drugs and live at home when she's in her 30's. That's all there is to it. I wish someone besides me had the balls to just call cps and report his drug use so they would take her out of the home and place her with me.

2009-11-20T10:33:00.002-05:00

I really don't want to do this homework today. Yeah this blog is nothing deep, it's just me procrastinating. How exciting is that? Not. Thats how exciting it is. I'm tired of finding rhetorical devices and fallacies. I really am. I don't want to know what makes a persuasive argument. I don't know when I am going to appy that. I am not going into business. Sure Administration might need some of that but COME ON. stupid rhetoric. blah. I'm sure this all sounds less than trivial or fairly ignorant but I'm running out of steam and just need a break. My winter break doesn't start for another 3? maybe 3 weeks and that seems like such a long time right now.

What was a saying about ranting?

2009-11-19T10:49:00.002-05:00

I freakin hate hate hate the idiots that I have to deal with. They have no concept of family from a realistic stand point. They think only about what they want and not whats best for every body. it makes me sick. It makes me want to pull my hair out. It's not good for me to be this stressed out. You know I have NO issue with people who need state aid , I mean NEED it. But for some mother fucker who works a slack ass job and lives with people , not roommates family, for a small rent of 100 bucks a month and cant bother to pay it all the time because why? because the worst thing that will happen to him is he'll get yelled at. Needs state aid why? To pay for food ? he has a job less rent than ANYONE but where does his money go? Pawn shops to keep his musical equipment from getting sold because he pawned it for drugs and to buy pot. Seriously, wtf? But he is the better parent and surely should be raising an almost teenager. How the hell does this happen? I don't do drugs, I pay my bills as well as I can, I send money when I can for her and thats another thing that chaps my hide, I have to send it through the bureau of child support or write checks to his aunt because I can't trust him to spend the money on my daughter. How freakin sad is that? I bought her a new computer for christmas last year and the only thing I asked him was to get her a printer. Has he? No, guess who is buying her a printer for Christmas this year? Yeah thats right , me. It makes me wonder if he bought her anything last year. I gave her money to get more school clothes at the end of the summer than I had already bought (500 dollars worth) and what does the money get spent on? a nintendo DSI for her. WHY? because he can get a voucher from the state to get her clothes. That is such a gross abuse of the system that is set up to help people who are really in need. Worst part of this is, I was getting ready to start the ball in motion so that she could come live with me, turns out because he kidnapped her and took her to wv without my consent in the first place and the state had to file a child support order against me adn I couldn't go down there when the hearing was and show that he shouldn't even have her because I had NO WAY to get to west virginia, guess what, I don't even have established parental rights, I found this out this week, so I have to establish those first and I , yes me, I have to take a parenting class. Because you know the fact that I have two very well behaved children in my custody shouldn't be proof enough that I'm not too bad at this parenting thing. But I cant do anything because I have to wait til I have this baby because everytime I start talking to lawyers and such I start to cramp up and my god I am NOT going to have a miscarriage because of getting stressed out because people are stupid fucks and can't see that when my daughter says she wants to live with me and I have a room for her and live in a good neighborhood and can give her the time she needs with a parent that they think its better to live with her pot head dad and share a room with a grandparent who smokes cigarettes around her often. This makes me freakin crazy. And thats my rant for the day.